My Testimony

My Story Full of Regret, Past Hurts, and Being Unlovable

The story of my home life growing up was much like a fairy tale. I grew up in a loving and caring home, never lacking anything. I lived with a mother and a father who loved each other and made sure their children were provided for. I was a very happy child who enjoyed life. But, even though I had a fairy tale home life, it does not mean there were not challenges and struggles in my life. My family was in and out of church until I was seventeen years old. We believed in God but, at times, did not devote our lives to Christ. There were many insecurities and wrong mindsets that I was raised in that I had to break away from and learn how to conquer them.

As I continue to conquer my childhood fears, God is teaching me how to be a confident woman in Christ. Recently, I have conquered my ultimate fear. It is the fear of rejection and being imperfect. I grew up with an unhealthy and unrealistic belief that I needed to be flawless to be loved. I did not want to disappoint others so I created a false image of myself. I would try to impress others by becoming just like them to feel accepted. If people were disappointed in me or did not like me, I would be very upset and try to win them over by doing anything to get their approval, even if it meant going against my beliefs. I created an unhealthy approval addiction that lasted over thirty years. I cannot say I have fully overcome these insecurities, but I can say I have boundaries. I allow God to have the final say in my actions and words.

How I overcame these fears was not a simple task. I had to go back into my past hurts and failures to see the root of the problem. I had to relive moments that I was not proud of and work through the emotions. As I was trying to find peace from my past, it brought on more guilt and shame into my life.

Through trying to process these hurts and failures, I became depressed. I hurt my family with my harsh words, lost friendships due to isolation, and missed big events in my family’s life due to depression. I was haunted daily by the fear of rejection and loneliness. The fear became a reality, and I created a life filled with negative mindsets and false accusations. I thought everyone was against me, and I had to protect myself from being hurt again. I tried to look normal on the outside when everything within me was chaotic.

During this time, I broke off an engagement, stopped communicating with my family for almost a year, lost my best friend and roommate, almost lost my job, and left my church due to being judged. Life was falling apart, and I did not know where to go for help. In the midst of all this chaos, the doctor put me on antidepressants and a strong sleeping pill. The prescribed medicine put me into a deeper depression. I could think clearly but did not know what to do with my thoughts. I felt like a zombie with no control over my emotions. I became an angry person, not caring what others thought about me.

One night I was tired of hurting those around me by my actions and words and did not want to live another day. I was miserable and afraid. This was not the first time to think these thoughts, but it was the first time that I wanted to act on them. As I am writing this, tears are rolling down my face knowing that this was a very low moment in my life. I still struggle with the fact that I wanted to end my life. I picked up my prescription sleeping pills off the bedside table and thought about taking just enough so I would not wake up in the morning to another dreadful day. No one was in my home to stop me. Not many people knew I was depressed, because I kept my thoughts to myself. No one would have guessed that I had suicidal thoughts.

God saved me that night. Instead of taking the pills, I fell asleep with the pill bottle in my hand. I woke up the next morning with the bottle next to me on my bed, never opened. Since that day, I have fought for purpose over my life and asked God back into my heart. I am thankful for waking up every day and having the opportunity to share God’s love with others. This is not a moment I want to relive, but that night God brought me back to Him. I am reminded daily of the Scripture, Psalm 30:5, which says, “weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” I am grateful for God’s unconditional love for me. Even when I turned away from Him, He was there to rescue me. This happened in spring of 2007, and it has taken me nearly seven years to heal the hurt and shame from these events.

I pray that my story touches someone’s life, maybe even yours. I hope you can see how God loves you no matter where you are in life. Our stories matter, and we need to share them with others. To be honest, it took me two weeks to finally write my story in this blog. I was fearful of being rejected or looked at differently because of my past. God empowered me to write my story for the very first time so I can turn my past hurts and failures into a testimony. Before now, my mother and head pastor were the only ones who knew my story. I have been too fearful to speak it out, but now I am learning what it means to be transparent. I am learning how to completely trust God with my story. It is now time for you to trust God with your story, and let Him turn it into a testimony.

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25 thoughts on “My Testimony

  1. It takes a lot of courage to share your story. Thank you for sharing, and thank God for your life. God who began a good work in you is faithful and able to complete it. I pray you keep growing in the knowledge of God’s love for you. Cheers.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Thank you so much for reading my story. For so long I allowed satan to tell me my story was too shameful to tell. People may not like me after I tell my story. They were all lies. I’m realizing that more and more.

    God has completely changed my life. He saved my life! I pray that my story helps others find healing and hope. That even when someone hits rock bottom and feels worthless, that he/she finds worth in Christ. I want my testimony to change lives.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you aprilcoon for joining up with us and for sharing your Testimony, mine is similar including contemplating ending my life and like you being rescued by Jesus but my Childhood was very abusive.

    The world tells us to consider ourselves first but your desire to reach out to others was before and is good now not bad. God asks us to put others first, to show kindness to them, like Jesus did in many ways, He even washed His Disciples feet and He is One with God our Heavenly Father, what we do for others we are doing for Him and when we are kind and caring it shows The Holy Spirit is working in our lives even when we are still in darkness and by continuing to do so we will shine, because kindness is part of Love.

    It is also not wrong to want to be accepted and not rejected, God asks us to search for Him with all our heart and when we do we will find Him, it is not His will anyone perish by rejecting Him.

    Rejection of others but not the wrong they do, is not of God, it’s evil and those who deliberately hurt others this way will be accountable unless they come to True heart repentance as you and I have done for the wrong we did and God tells us when we say sorry and mean it, He takes our sins away as far as the East is to the west and chooses to remember them no more and we are also set free not to sin.

    Continue to rejoice in who you are aprilcoon, a Cherished and much Loved Child of God and now you are part of His Family and yes you were always going to be… How good is that!

    Christian Love Always – Anne.

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  4. Anne,

    Thank you for being transparent with me and telling me your story. I sometimes still struggle today about having suicidal thoughts and almost acting on them. I have asked the question: how can I think about ending my life when I am a Christian. God has not really answered that question but I know that satan was trying to defeat me during that time of despair. Now, God is using me to help others with the same mindsets. He is using what satan meant for evil and turning into something good and powerful. I pray my story will help others and give them hope.

    I loved what you said about wanting acceptance in others. You have a log of good insight and truth in this matter. I have repented and renewed my relationships with those that I have hurt. I asked for forgiveness, and they asked for forgiveness in return. If anything, this situation has made our relationships stronger rather than destroy them. God is good! I give Him all the glory for healing and repairing the relationships in my life.

    I will pray for you and rejoice with you for your life and how God saved you. You have an incredible testimony that can change people’s lives.

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  5. You are such an honest woman aprilcoon, it’s a blessing to me that our lives have touched. I too was more than once motivated to take my life, the link below shares about my Childhood, although I remember, it is without pain now.

    Childhood – http://freedomborn.wordpress.com/2011/09/27/the-early-years-a-little-lost-girl/

    I would like to share with you aprilcoon some thoughts and Scripture that helped me to rest in Jesus and not fear Satan’s lies and his evil promptings.

    First I never talk to Satan or focus on him, if needed I ask God to bind him so he cannot mess with me Physically, Mentally, Emotional or spiritually.

    I listen to positive Christian Music as I’m going to sleep.

    And I hold close to my heart the Scriptures below and play the song often.

    Isaiah 43:1-3 – Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour.”

    Jeremiah 29 :11-12 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of Peace and not of evil, to give you a Future and a Hope.

    Lamentations 3: 33 For God doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men.

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    I will be praying for you Blessings – Anne.

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  6. April I stopped by to give you a great big, THANK YOU!!, for following us and what a blessing to have found such a beautiful testimony of God’s grace and mercy and love. Truly He is a wonder! He is the only one who can take the broken pieces of our lives and turn them into a testimony to bless others. I’m so glad you found the courage to share your story with us. Know that God will continue to bless you as you give Him the glory by sharing what He has done for you. Mom and I are very grateful to have you as part of our smiling faces – don’t be a stranger!

    Blessings and love in Christ Jesus,
    Rebecca and Ma Chris

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Thank you, April, for the privilege of reading your story. I had to smile when I read that you were thirty when you surrendered your heart to Christ. I was in what I liked to refer to as, “the twilight of my twenties” when I had to face the ugliness of my sin and need to be changed– because I could not change myself. (Perfectionism is such a joyless, deadly trap!) At that time I was married, had two little girls (the three things I’d wanted most in life) . . . yet I was miserable and wanted out because I was becoming an abusive mother. When I surrendered my life to Christ He moved me out of perfectionism into His Good and Perfect Will. As I look back over thirty-plus years, I continue to marvel at His faithfulness–my three children (God later blessed us with a son) are married and have given us seven grandchildren. At forty, I went back to school to become a biblical counselor–something I continue to enjoy doing. My husband just retired, so we are looking to the Lord for direction in this new phase . . . Amazing Grace, all of it! Thank you April for the follow and for sharing your story. May His Presence in your life continue to bless you with His Joy and Peace . . . .

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you for reading my testimony! And thank you for sharing your testimony. I believe that this is what it is all about — witnessing to others by our stories. The stories of how God brought us out of darkness and into the light. When He transformed us into His image. Your testimony encouraged me! God is amazing, and I am blessed beyond measure. I cannot do life without God!

      I pray that God continues to bless your family and your life! You are an amazing woman of God and definitely passionate about talking about God! I look forward to reading more of your blog posts.

      Liked by 1 person

    • I noticed your comment Kathie, how wonderful that Jesus rescued you and it is True as you shared, worldly perfectionism is the Pits and we can never make it because it keeps changing but God tells us we are to aim to be Perfected in Love as we see confirmed in the Scriptures below……

      Matthew 5:48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in Heaven is Perfect.

      Hebrews 6:1 Therefore leaving the principles of the doctrine of Christ, let us go on unto Perfection; not laying again the foundation of repentance from dead works, and of faith toward God,

      2 Corinthians 7: 1 Having therefore these promises, dearly beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, Perfecting Holiness in the fear of God.

      2 Timothy 3:16-17 All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: That the man of God may be Perfect, thoroughly furnished unto all good works.

      2Corinthians 13:11 Finally, brethren, farewell. Be Perfect, be of good comfort, be of one mind, live in Peace; and the God of Love and Peace shall be with you.

      1John 4:17-19 Herein is our Love made Perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment because as He is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in Love but Perfect Love casteth out fear because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in Love. We Love Him, because He first Loved us.

      Blessings – Anne.

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  8. Hi your story is much the same as mine. I spent 10 years as an Alcoholic and struggling with God. I wanted to die every day and just drank to hide my pain. I wore a mask to prevent people finding out who I was deep down.
    I ended up in a rehab 23 years ago Jesus touched my heart there, I believe that he started to take away my fears and pain.
    My heart is to reach out with the Father’s love to people who lived like you and me. Thanks for sharing your story. Bless You

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for being brave enough to tell your testimony. We all have struggles and I love how God takes each of our struggles and heals them in time. Your testimony is so powerful, and it can touch others. It touched me in a great way! It is so easy to put on masks and say we are okay when people ask how we are doing today. it is so easy to hide when inside you feel like dying. You want all the hurt to end. The tears to stop. We have a lot common. We use our story to help others. I am currently mentoring a youth at my church going through a similar situation, and I pray that I am helping her find hope again. I seek God every day on her behalf.

      Liked by 2 people

      • I’m sure you must be helping her very much since you understand her pain. Also, your prayers make a difference. Thank you for sharing your story. I can identify with much of it, especially the part about perfectionism, approval addiction, and depression. Praise God for His amazing grace and love! In my life, He is changing me little by little, like He drove the Canaanites out of Israel’s promised land. (Exodus 15:15)
        Love and blessings,
        Tricia

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  9. “Say what you want to say, and let the words fall out…honestly, I want to see you be brave.” — Sara Bareilles.
    It’s very dangerous to keep really bad feelings to ourselves – and yet that’s just what our culture encourages. Too bad, folks, if there are things in the world that aren’t positive, or pleasant, but they need to be dealt with appropriately, before things get even worse. Thank you so much for having the courage to share; hang in there!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I just realized I never commented back on your response. Thank you for commenting on my testimony. It was very hard to be transparent, but the only way to make it a testimony is share my story instead of trying to hide it.

      Keeping my thoughts to myself caused me to be suicidal, and if I only talked with someone it might have helped me from getting to that point. I used to regret ever having those thoughts, but now I see it as an opportunity to help others. I have helped two youth members at my church, who were having the same thoughts, feel better about themselves and want to have life again. It is truly an amazing ministry. God turned a bad situation into a ministry for Him. It is incredible.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yes, it really is amazing what God can do. It shows that He really is bigger than anything we face on a fallen Earth. Sometimes we underestimate how powerful it can be just to talk to someone who understands our situation, and can gives us empathy and hope.

        Liked by 1 person

  10. I am……..is a marvelous example of a testimony of truth, the power of a shining light, and salt that far from having lost it’s taste, is actually a powerful addition that far increases the value and improves the experience of this meal we call life. Thank you for sharing the power of your reformation and continued journey in grace and faith. As well thank you for stopping by hisnamebpraised and liking the post on spiritual looking back to see the path forward. Blessings to you and all who come and read your words. In His Name. Doug

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for taking the time to read my testimony. I am glad you left a comment and shared your thoughts on my page. I always pray my story touches others and realizes everyone struggles and has a story to tell.

      I look forward to reading more of your blogs. You have a great page that encourages many!

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  11. hello your writings have blessed me. I would like to bless you. On my main site morningcoffeedevotions.com i am making a section called friends of morning coffee. Its a section where i want to help support people that have impacted me. for each person or persons i would give a little info with a picture of your blog or logo and link to your websites. i would like to have you on there.

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    • Wow, this is an honor. I am so glad my writing has blessed you. I love writing and giving encouragement. Yes, I can add a picture on my page that you can use. Let me know what else you need.

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  12. Many things touch us in life. Sometimes it is the loss of a loved one, sometimes it is the loss of a parent. My parents divorced when I was five and I rarely saw my father from that point on until I was nearly thirty years old. He wasn’t dead, but being absent from my life for all of that time caused a very deep pain, a deep anger too. I am glad that you were able to move beyond your pains, just as Jesus and His Word has helped me to move beyond and get over my pain and anger. I still have problems in that area, but now that I am a preacher and a father to a wonderful son, I try to keep His teachings in the forefront of my life and I pray that you will too. Have a great holiday (Christmas) season! In His Service, Gordon Eldridge.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You have an amazing testimony, and I appreciate you sharing. You had a lot of loss so young in life and to move beyond the pain and anger takes lots of prayer and forgiveness. That is incredible that you are a pastor now and able to help others in need. What a great servants heart.

      Thank you for reading my testimony. I am thankful for my life every day. I still sometimes deal with the emotional part of the whole ordeal, but I try to look at how God saved me from the loneliness time in my life.

      Have a great Christmas!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you and I pray that the healing will continue for you and for all of us in the weeks and months to come. I sense that there is a storm brewing, so we had better be grounded in God’s Word. God bless you!

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