In the past few years suicides have occurred more frequently, and, yet, no one wants to talk about it. This topic is the most controversial and misunderstood mental illness. People distort suicide as selfishness and weakness. The truth is, suicide is not a selfish act nor is it a weakness. It is when life happens, and it is a ripple effect of bad things happening at one time. Life seems chaotic and scary. What was is gone, and the life you now live is changing who you are to someone you do not want to be. But, at the same time, you do not know how to change the outcome. Every time you dust yourself off and get back up, satan hits you with another devastating moment. After a while, you are too tired to even try to get up and fight. You begin to lose hope that life will never get better. Your thoughts are jumbled and nothing makes sense anymore. You silence the hurt and let no one in, because shame starts overwhelming your thoughts. The longer you silence the hurt, the depression deepens. You begin to shut people out even when they want to help you, because you surely do not want others to think you are crazy. You put a smile on during the day, and cry at night in desperation for some kind of relief. In this state, you lose all hope in man and even God. You walk away from anything that you think will hurt you. You think you are protecting yourself from more harm, but, in reality, you are hurting others in the process. You say anything to make them stay away. Because, in your mind, you are poison. You hurt anything you touch including yourself. You anticipate trouble because this all you know in this season of life, and when you expect it, it comes. You have completely invited satan into your mind and heart. You are completely sold out to Him in this state. So…what do you do? — you go to the doctor for help. The doctor prescribes pills as a quick fix. You begin to take them as prescribed in hopes that your mind will be silenced from all the chaos and confusion. It is like voices in your head that keeps reminding you that you are not good enough, and you never will be. At times, you feel that your life is not worth living. It is too painful. Sometimes pills, without counseling, causes suicidal thoughts. Your mind becomes clear. So clear that your thoughts can easily be acted on without even realizing it. This is a dangerous place to be. You are too mentally and physically exhausted to even put up a good fight. You allow the thoughts to torment you, maybe even months of torment. Suicidal thoughts scare you daily, but, yet, satan has made you believe that you have no worth. Life is better off not living. So…you take upon yourself to make a very dangerous and life-threatening decision to attempt suicide. You have pills in your hand and water on the bedside table as you tremble in fear. Tears stream down your face as you ponder your next move. You are shaking uncontrollably, because, in your mind, you ask yourself, “What other choice do I have left?”.
I know what it feels like to live in despair fighting for your life, because this was me ten years ago. If you met me in real life, you would have never thought that I could have been depressed and suicidal. I am mostly a happy and optimistic person who sees the good in every thing. I am the one who encourages others through difficult times. But, the truth is, even the most unlikely person can have these thoughts. Even Christians can have suicidal thoughts, because we are all human and flawed. I am a devout Christian who thanks God every day for life. I did not take the pills that could have possibly ended my life. It scared me enough to seek hope in Christ again. It took years to find my worth through Him, but, every moment was precious. Every step forward was step in the right direction.
If you know someone who is suicidal, please help them seek counseling. If you are currently debating suicide, I encourage you to seek help. I walked alone in my journey for nearly three years before seeking counseling, and I wished I asked for help sooner. We are not supposed to do life alone but together. Let’s come together and love on those who need it most. Let’s not wait for the phone call that will destroy our lives. Let’s make others feel valued and loved. No matter how much they push you away, never give up on them. They will respond one day, and thank you for always loving them in the good and the bad.