I have never been the type to follow the crowd, but, instead, I wanted to be unique and be true to myself. I have always felt like I was different. Not in a boastful way, but always seeking to be myself and not trying to be like others to fit in. Now that I am grown, not much has changed. I still strive to be myself no matter what is said about me. This leads me into feeling like an outcast.
I did not do life like most people. I decided to wait to get married and have a family so I could focus on my education and career. I succeeded at both with the help of God leading me in the right direction. I have no regrets on the decisions I have made in these areas. I wanted to get to know who I was and better myself before bringing a spouse and children into my life.
Now that I am in my thirties and still single with no family of my own, I now feel like an outcast. I do not relate to those around me my own age because they have families. I seem to tune out others when they begin to talk about family situations because I do not understand where they are coming from. I have never experienced that before in my life.
When I am in a group of people who have a spouse and children and the conversation turns into talking about their family life, I feel left out and not able to be a part of that conversation. When I see a family in a store shopping together, my heart aches for having a family of my own. When I hear childrens’ laughter or a couple hugging each other saying “I love you”, I yearn to hear that in my home.
I struggle with family, church, and work to fit in because most of them are married with children. I struggle feeling like I am accepted because I do not relate to others. In my church, I have moved around in several Bible Study groups and yet to find my place. I usually sit by myself in church because I have no family to sit with. In family gatherings, it is awkward to be the only one without a spouse. The truth is, life gets lonely when you can’t share it with others. I tend to isolate myself so the awkward feeling goes away.
My dream is to find the man that God has prepared for me and the children that God will bless me with. I have always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. I have always dreamed of giving my parents grandchildren for them to enjoy and love. These desires are not selfish or even jealously. It is not comparing my life with others. My desires are to have what God has in store for me, whatever that may look like. I know God will fulfill this desire in my heart one day, in His timing. But until then, I will continue trusting and believing that God will continue to prepare me and my future husband until the day we meet.
I know I am not alone in feeling like an outcast and these emotions are real. I was not going to share this, but God led me to write down how I have felt for a long time. You may feel like an outcast for another reason and you are not alone. Life may not be where you want it to be right now, but God has a plan and it’s perfect! You just have to be patient and wait for God’s timing.
“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'” — Jeremiah 29:11